The epic adventures of Mary and Michaela

The morning of the first day of our scooter shenanigans beckoned and Micki and I were literally shitting bricks. After yesterday's performance we were in serious doubt as to our capabilities in carrying out this three day trip. Despite the nausea, optimism was clearly the only option and we decided to continue with our plans.

Adrian, Micki, Emma and I set off for Pai. Pai being a quaint little town North of Chiang Mai surrounded by waterfalls and hot springs.

Going through the city was surprisingly easier than we had anticipated. I guess practice does make perfect; okay, maybe not perfect, but it helped! We were then faced with an incredibly long road. What was the speed limit? Who knows! WHO CARES! Before i knew it i was in love with driving my scooter, thraping the 100cc arse off it to reach 100km/h. How exciting. On the way Adrian pulled over as he'd seen a sign to a waterfall 6km off the beaten track. We decided to go. The majority of the track was pretty straight forward, although there were muddy patches. Now when faced with one of these situations, if you go too fast, your bike loses control and it falls over. If you go too slowly you just get stuck. Either way you're kinda fucked so you have to try and find a happy medium. Eventually, after persuading Adrian we should carry on despite there no longer being any form of track to follow (there's that optimism again folks) we reached a sign. It was a 200m walk (ish) past a disgustingly mahoosive spider which the others felt the need to point out. VOM. to a pretty cool waterfall.

The longest part of the road to Pai was up and down mountains. The scenery was something else. So much greenery everywhere, not like dried up ol' England. Soon enough we found ourselves stuck behind a lorry carrying a load of logs. Adrian had already zoomed off and i thought to myself I've not hired this thing to sit at 20km/h. Fuck. That. So i overtook and carried on at my perfectly reasonable 60. Emma and Micki were about 15 minutes behind. The trouble with that part of Thailand, is because of the humidity, it usually rains at some point in the afternoon. So right on cue, it started pissing it down. Let me tell you, driving downhill round sharp bends is definitely not fun in the rain so i waited for the others to catch up and they pulled into a shop hut thing untill it died down. We carried on once it had, and eventually reached Pai. We met up with Adrian and Bea (who we'd first met in Bangkok) and checked into Mr Jans. Later that evening after dinner we went and met the other guys from Chaing Mai in a bar for drinks.

Next day we did a 6 hour trek (3 there, 3 back) to see a 'worth seeing' waterfall. The Trek was fun, the waterfall was shit. And on another plus side, i saw hardly any spiders so i guess it could have been worse.

Next morning the five of us set off for Sappong (further North) via an actually impressive waterfall. AHHH RELIEF!! So, it's probably not your Niagra Falls, but considering It was only the third waterfall i can ever remember seeing i thought it was cool. We climbed up the rocks, went swimming......then carried on Sappong. We were headed for caves. If I've ever been in a cave, it was either shit so i cant remember, or i was too young to remember. Because of how long we'd spent at the waterfall we decided we would see the caves the following day and visit a hot spring on the way today. Right, so same as the first waterfall, off the beaten track with patches of mud to drive through. Except this time Mary drives through too bloody fast, flies sidewards off the bike (again) with the whole thing landing on top of her in the deepest puddle of the whole patch. It was utterly hilarious. The fact i looked like i had a chronic diarrhoea problem was the icing on the cake. All so funny untill, i tried to clean myself off and poured water over my burn to clean that up. My god. It hurt SO much more than when i actually burnt myself to begin with. I tried to get back on my bike and couldn't even brace myself on it to keep it stationary. I wish i could put an asterisk and small print at the end to say I've dramatised this but alas i cannot. It hurt. Further up was yet another mud patch so i waved the others off and waited back for them, deciding not to risk the mud again while i attempted to clean myself off. And here folks is my second encounter with a lovely Thai woman...

Second Encounter:
As i was cleaning up, a motorbike drove past with an American man driving a Thai lady. They stopped to check i was okay and i explained what happened and showed them my now freshly peeled off burned skin as they peered down at my leg in intrigue. The lady said "pee pee" and the bloke explained she meant that urine would be a good anticeptic. All of a sudden she went wandering up into the bushes. I thought she was about to provide me with a urine sample. Infact what she did was rummage through picking out certain leaves, chewed them up, dribbled the green saliva over my wound and then dabbed the chewed up leaves onto my wound. It was warm and strange but interestingly comforting.

We arrived at Cave Lodge an hour later. It was beautiful. You'll have to look at the pictures to see for yourself (when i can eventually load them on) but everything was just perfect. It was sort of like a giant tree house. The only, and i mean only, downfall was there was a massive spider on the wall of our dorm. It was utterly disgusting and no sod would move it. It was the size of a dog, no exaggeration. So as you can imagine i had the worst night sleep ever that night. It was gross. Properly, properly, gross. Anyway, we booked to do a 12km kayak tour down the river through three caves. Before we left Micki and I wandered through the village to the health centre to get my burn/cut cleaned up cause it was brown/pink/black. Which brings me to my;

Third encounter:
The lady took her time and was so incredibly gentle with my leg. She cleaned it up thoroughly with three different potions and then covered it up in what i presume was an antiseptic cream. Then covered it up with some padding and taped it all down. Not only did she not charge me, she gave me a bag with a wad of padding, a roll of the tape and more sticks with the cream on so i could clean it up again myself.

The caves were cool, apart from the bloody guide unnecessarily took us out of the way INSIDE THE PITCH BLACK CAVE to point out a giant spider. Yeah cheers for that one! One of the guides was dressed head to toe in Arsenal kit. Even his helmet. What a joker.

The next day Micki, Emma and I drove to MaeHong Son and back and then back down to Pai. We drove for about 4 and a half hours that day which was fun. Then another 3 and a half hours back to Chiang Mai the next day via another waterfall. We didn't go in this one but it was by far the biggest we'd seen. Well worth the detour. Did a fair ol' bit of waving and waving back at the locals on the way down. They're so cute.

As much as we'd wanted to stay longer, time was ticking and we'd had to head back. Not being able to go and teach English at the local school was disappointing but guess you can't do anything about school holidays eh?! The trip had already been more than three days because we were so amazed with everything we were seeing so we'd gotten far more out of it than we could have hoped to imagine.

So the day we arrived back in Chiang Mai we met back up in Little Bird with the other guys who we'd met before and had done a bike ride too. Then Micki and I went and booked our Elephant Sanctuary day with a very nice friendly lady boy. ( The massive hands and sideburns gave it/him/her away)

The Elephant Nature Park

Thailand once had a thriving logging industry of which elephants were a huge part of. Since being made illegal in most, if not all parts, elephants have been found to have different uses. One of the most popular tourist activities is elephant riding. What most don't know though is that to train them, they're savagely attacked. They're put in tiny cages with no room to even move round and repeatedly beaten for days until they conform. Whilst i won't go into much more detail its pretty fucking horrific. This is where Mine and Micki's morals concerning animal cruelty came into play. We spent a day at this sanctuary which has been documented numerous times. Its founder buys mistreated elephants and brings them to the Nature park to help treat them and give them a new lease of life. Without sounding too soppy or Attenborough esque its a massive eye opener and you see exactly how those tourists that are oblivious to the cruelty involved for the sake of a 20 minute ride, or just don't give a shit, add to this massive problem. At the Sanctuary you learn about some of the elephants and why they were rescued. For example one of the elephants was blind because she was being used to work in the Tourist industry whilst heavily pregnant, she gave birth whilst walking and the baby rolled down the hill and died. She was made to carry on working and when she attempted to retaliate and not work, her owner hit her in the eyes with spears until she did.

During the day we got to feed the elephants and generally walk round the park looking and stroking them. They eat SO MUCH. It's ridiculous. Apparently they eat for 18 hours a day. Mental. And then later in the afternoon you get to bathe the elephants.

Lesson 11: Don't take a non waterproof camera into the river with you whilst attempting to wash elephants, especially when trying to dodge their massive turds floating downstream.

R.I.P camera!

Later that night we had a skype session as it was the first time since leaving England I had spoken to the famo. I got to see Ed which was brilliant and he was still as gorgeous as ever! Skype cherry was officially popped. Then a massive group of us went out to Reggae bar for halloween. It was sooo much fun and the lads looked fab in their unique outfits. We awarded Chris the best Dressed award.

This has been a long blog, so I appreciate any of you who have read it all. Over and out x

Three two one and... you're back.

Twentieth of October two thousand and ten, approximately nine thirty p.m we found ourselves landing into Bangkok airport. For some perculiar reason we'd decided to wear jeans, pumps, t shirts and cardigans. If we'd been flying back to England then wahey! Brilliant move. However, to a country that was still 24 degrees celcius at night with a taxi ride and the Kho san road to battle; Bad BAD move! As we left the airport we were greeted by a nice taxi driver with a bright pink car. Interesting. So in we piled. So ladies and gentleman, remember back in the day when you were little more than knee high and your mums and dads and probably teachers, and well basically everyone with any responsible bone in their body would forbid you from taking sweets from a stranger? That long standing warning?! Yeah, that rule went out the window right here. Our taxi driver dished out handfuls and handfuls of sweets to us. Micki was apprehensive; i wasn't. You may aswell just call me Gretel cause i ate loads. We decided half way through that Micki shouldn't eat any just incase. That was smart of us hey?! They we arrived on the Khao San road.

The Khao San road:

It's one street full of bars, hostels, street venders etc. Pretty standard stuff that you get in Malia and Zante and presumably all those other tacky clubbing places. Here though, you get non stop hassled by tuc tuc men who do not take no for an answer. " Tuc tuc lady?! Where you go, 5 Baht, Lady lady.." Ignored.... " Lady you want ping pong show?... 'sound effects' ". Well that'll be a no! Soon enough you learn to dodge them by nipping behind clothes stands and walking up the pavement instead. Oh and not forgetting the suit men! "Lady lady nice suit for your boyfriend, 50 Baht!" Ermm mate, seriously, apart from the fact I'm single, why on earth would i want to buy a suit and carry it around in my bag for nine months. Really?!

So we explored Bangkok, went on a boat, walked around, went on the sky train, drank cocktails, ate and that's pretty much it for two days. Therefore I'm not going to dwell on it too much.

Onwards and Upwards...

Northern Thailand is reknowned for its culture and general 'chilled out' atmosphere.

We left Bangkok on a twelve hour night bus heading north to Chiang Mai. A fact about Chiang Mai perhaps? Why not. It's the second largest city in Thailand. That'll do.

Arriving at about half six on Saturday morning, we EVENTUALLY found little bird guest house. A quaint little hostel tucked behind one of the main roads. We met an Ozzie, Adrian and went for a well needed breakfast, then spent the day wandering. Later that evening we went for dinner with Adrian, Emma and Chris (ozzies) and Natasha the Canadian, and then onto Reggae bar where Adrian and Natasha got absolutely wasted and were just hilarious. Adrian has possibly the worst memory where names are concerned, and so instead of calling Natasha by her name, she was named Canada. This stuck, and so Natasha is now Canada.

That day Adrian had decided to leave on the Monday for a three day bike tour up to Pai and then back to Chiang Mai in a loop. It sounded like fun and when he asked us to go with him we happily obliged. As Micki and I had never been on any form of motorbike before we decided it would be a good idea to hire the bikes out a day early to practice (practise?!).

Sunday morning arrived and we were pretty excited about going to get our bikes. We bumped into Josh from our hostel who said he would join us for the day. Surely it couldn't be that difficult, well over three years of competent driving experience?! Ahh We'll be fine, we thought. We thought wrong. To hire out our 100cc scooters (which were so shiny and new) we had to say we'd driven them before. I'm pretty sure he guessed we were lying the fact we couldn't work out how to turn the things on. Then we got moving and were swerving all over the place. But it's okay, we got away. When i say away, i mean straight onto the main road. The bike shop was situated not-so-conveniently just off the main road. We were shitting bricks right there. Luckily, surprisingly enough, the cars and trucks are fairly accomodating to bike users and don't drive up your arse like in England. For this, i will be eternally grateful. We carried on driving around, and after about half an hour realised we needed petrol. Adrian, the helpful ozzie that he is, oh did i mention was a pretty good bike rider what with a couple of years prior experience, took us to a U-turn. A u-turn being one of THE hardest things to do as a novice. Micki drove round it and went straight into the curb opposite choosing the 'drop and roll' tactic. The bike got a bit scratched and she grazed a fair old patch of skin on her elbow. We cleaned it up as best we could and carried on. We were driving up through the mountains which was a nice break from the main road, and up untill this point i had remained completely unscathed. We parked our bikes at a view point stop along the way and as i locked my bike up i, for some reason, the Law graduate that i am, thought walking between two bikes, the piping hot exhaust on one being to my left was some sort of good idea?! Yeah, well nice one Mary, except now you've just burnt a patch of skin off your leg and can practically hear it sizzling. Okay, so not such a good idea after all. I carried on in to meet the others whilst frantically looking for my water to pour on my leg. And now all you glorious readers, this is where you read the first of three experiences i was engaged in with lovely Thai women.

Encounter one:
So i sat down to attend to my burn and whilst faffing with water the Thai lady next to me was looking across at me. I made some sort of hiss noise. It was the closest noise i could think to make to resemble a burn. Then, and i think this sealed the deal, i made the best vroom vroom noise WITH HANDLE BAR ACTIONS. The sympathy filled her face and she hurriedly searched through her bag. She whipped out her tiger balm, leaned over and smoothed it over my burn. It stung like (sorry B and L) a mother fucker, so she bent down and blew on my leg. It was so sweet. A complete random touching manky burnt skin to help is not what every person would do.

We carried on up the mountain and that's when it happened. Picture it; you've probably seen similar scenery on Top Gear clips, winding roads up through lavish green mountains. Leaning left and right for the bends. Except this one. As we turned round this one corner it was so tight, i saw Micki go wide onto the other side of the road, and i thought to myself "Don't do that, keep left, (pep talk) it'll be fine" That didn't happen. I was so distracted looking at Micki i didn't take enough notice of the really steep road just after the turn, tried to brake, confused the accelerator for, well i dont know what, kept that on full, and went flying into a wall and flew over the edge. It was utterly hilarious. And no freakin' cuts, scratches, bruises, nothing! The lads had stopped just up the road and bless Josh came down to see if i was okay and help to get the bike. I found it so funny i spent the rest of the afternoon wishing I'd been stood where they had to have watched the whole thing.

I'm aware you're all busy people, busy lives etc etc and appreciate all of you who have been reading my blogs, enjoying them and expressing interesting in waiting to read the next one. So, what I'm going to do is break them up a bit so they're not all so ridiculously long. I hope that helps. And i will try to update more often, but what can i say, we're just having too much fun to sit in internet cafes typing...

Love you long time... x

Welcome back!

Okay so I'm sure you've all realised by now I don't and most probably won't be updating this religiously during each or even straight after every new country, but hang tight 'cause I will get there eventually.

And, before i continue, apologies to Lorraine and Barry (Micki's mum and dad) for the expletives encapsulated in my previous few blogs. They were needed to get the point across to its full effect, honest :-)

Highlights from China...

Right, so we arrived into Beijing train station at about 2 on Friday afternoon (15th October). We did the usual leaving rituals: taking group photos, hugs, exchanging emails and facebook names etc etc... then all went and queued up outside together for taxis for another half an hour anyway (although not all of us were going to the same place). We arrived at the Jade International Youth hostel, checked in blah de blah. Those of us who were staying there pretty much just enjoyed chilling out for a few hours but we all met up later that evening to go for a butchers round town. Location was spot on. We wandered round to the night market which is a long line of stalls selling different kinds of food. You had your usuals: meat skewers, fruit, rice, noodles etc., And then your more 'exotic': Sheep's penis', scorpions, spiders, and the one we tried; snake. If anyone's wondering, i thought it tasted like spare ribs that you get from a Chinese just crunchier; actually, it was really fucking crunchy! We walked past one stall, having a good old nosey at the food when we came across something we weren't sure of. As we pondered over this unusual looking 'meat' with one foul swoop the stall owner grapped a skewer held it in our faces, bellowed, grabbed his crotch and thrust around. Okay, these were clearly testicles. We laughed more than we cringed and thought that was the end of that little outburst. No. He demandingly beckoned me to go over to him inside his booth still waving his testicles (and those on the stick) around in the air. Maybe this was it; had I found my Chinese husband?! Was this some sort of wedding proposal?! Unusual yes but i guess it could be put down to cultural differences?! As I entered his booth he insisted that everyone on the other side take photos (Wedding photos?!). Then, before i had chance to even smile for the camera he swung his head round and planted a fat slobbery kiss on my, only because i managed to get my mouth away with whatever strength i could muster, cheek. That moment was definitely more gross than hilarious even if i was the only one that thought it that way. So anyway, we carried on along to the night stalls. And so, when you think of China, most people think of the Great Wall....the Forbidden Palace...Mao Tse Tung...chopsticks...oh no! The stall operators feel that the 10 most wanted Iraqis playing cards and lighters that look like packets of juicy fruit chewing gum warrant space on their tables! Still, each to their own i guess...

Day Two: Saturday 16th October
Micki, Laura, Ben and I visited the Forbidden Palace/City. The whole place was swarming with, presumably, Chinese tourists. Literally thousands of them in their colour coordinated tour group hats etc. Bless. We paid for the electronic guides but only because we were told that Roger Moore was the voice over. It was infact a random woman with a semi posh accent, alas, in all honesty i was pretty disappointed. But anyway! The headsets themselves more than made up for that in comedy value. Micki's always came on in the right place (them being triggered off by some sort of gps thing- technical shizz) then mine would come on in roughly the right place, Ben had to walk right up to the fences lean over and wiggle his in the air, and Laura's broke after about 5 locations. So none of us ended up listening to them anyway. It was nice walking around looking though. You noticed straight away the amount of Chinese people staring, seemingly more interested in us westerners than this historical masterpiece. Some of them tried to be subtle about it. 'Tried' being the operative word. Some would pretend to take photos then as we walked past they'd follow you with their cameras. Some even ran ahead of us so they could turn round to take snaps. One man attempted to take photos from quite a distant and when i collared him i did a nice peace sign pose (they go mad for that shit over there) which was also captured by another Chinese man who came and stood in between us. Subtlety definitely isn't his middle name. Whilst we were in the Imperial Gardens there were a group of Chinese juveniles right next to us. They were all pretty happy and smiley so i made eye contact and smiled. Oh dear. This unleashed a relay of 7 Chinese people asking to have photos with us. "Ahh beautiful lady.." They would say. One woman grabbed her child and thrust it upon us to have a picture with. I almost wet myself the whole thing was that funny. Even people that knew neither those having pictures with us, nor us ourselves were taking pictures. What had we unleashed! As we carried on round, I was asked by a group of teenage Chinese lads if I would have a picture with them. The old men would stare; they didn't smile. But I thought, maybe they're not being rude or miserable, maybe they just feel uncomfortable?! I don't know. A tour group walked past us and the three men at the back dawdled as they turned their heads back to stare. So, i smiled. Why not eh?! His frown turned upside down and he came rushing over for a photo along with his friend. He was actually a really happy jolly little man and came back over to me three times to say thank you. After the Forbidden City we walked up to another temple type building at the top of a hill. Cant really describe it much better than that but the views of the city were amazing. Ten of us went for dinner that evening. It was soooooo good. Two drinks each and literally all you could eat cost us 5 quid each. Bargain! The total count of photo requests was 12 by the end of the day.

Day Three: Sunday 17th October
Early morning ERGGHHHH!! But! It was all for a good cause. Us four Brummies were going to visit the Great Wall. We were taken there by a fat man who kept falling asleep at the wheel. I literally shat myself and did nothing but stare at his eyes in the mirror ready to give him a short sharp jab if he went into the middle of the road one more time. As an atheist i even wished i had a god to pray to that we'd get there in one piece. Eventually we arrived; alive and unscathed! We got the chair lift up to the entrance. I've literally never seen so many stairs in my life. It was like doing a work out video going along the wall and back. The views were so impressive, so we made the most of being there with them, as you do, by doing jump shots and lunging. A lot. If you're boring you can get the chair lift down but otherwise all the cool people get the toboggan down; it's so fun. Felt like we were playing mario kart. I'd just like to take this opportunity to point out a lesson..

Lesson 9: Watch what you're paying for when you book a tour.

Of the three things we were meant to see on the tour we booked, those being The Great wall, Ming tombs, and the Birds nest, in actual fact we saw one properly, one not at all, and one from a dual carriage way over a fence from quite a fair distance away. What we got instead, were commisioning visits to a jade museum, a silk shop thing, a tea shop and to be used as guinea pigs for a bunch of youths learning the art of reflexology/foot massages of which none of them we had a choice about going to/having. I can honestly say I've never had my feet terrorised so much in my entire life. The word stop apparently doesn't translate to mean the same thing in Chinese, even when you pull your foot away resulting in all of the towels and cushions dropping into the bowl of boiling water. The two adolescent 'trainees' found it hilarious. Little shits. Despite the, ahem, hiccups though, we had a really fun day. As well as us four there was an English couple Pete and Anj who were safe as houses and Michael the Swiss bloke who had recently moved to Beijing for work.

Day Four: Monday 18th October
Micki and I went to Beijing zoo with Rachael, James, Dave and Matt; it was their last day. We were so excited about seeing the panda bears and oh my gosh they were SO cute and definitely worth the two pound ticket alone! They were so well maintained with big areas to roam around. As for the rest of the animals though; to say they were malnurished would be a major understatement. It was verging on disgusting seeing some of them in tiny cages going mental with barely enough room to turn around. "Asia's biggest zoo'' really should be ashamed.
That evening we went for dinner with Ben and Laura (as it was their last night) The two Swedish girls Carolin and Marlin, Emma, who we were sharing a room with since we all arrived on Friday, Michael, the Swiss bloke we had met the previous day and Matt who we'd first met in Moscow from a different Vodkatrain tour.

Day Five: Tuesday 19th October
Micki and I had some bonding time. It was the first time whilst in China we had spent alone. We decided to visit the silk market where M and C had gone mad the two days previous with purchases. Micki was absolutely brilliant at haggling, it was hilarious. One woman stamped her feet pleading "Nooo you're killing me, you're killing me" as Micki punched ridiculously low prices into the calculator for items. In 90% of the situations she got the price she wanted. Good girl!

Lesson 10: Do not use the subway if you're claustrophobic. The thing is lethal! If you have air to breathe whilst on the actual train then consider yourself lucky!

Day Six: Wednesday 20th October
....and so it was time to leave for Bangkok... Despite not getting a proper look at Tian'an men square nor Mao Tse Tung's preserved body it was a very busy and enjoyable few days in Beijing! Good work!

This is going to be a LONG blog so I'll be impressed with and flattered by those of you who take the time to read it all. I'll try and make it as entertaining as possible although that will only be a small fraction of the actual journey's entertainment value.

So seeing as though you're going to be following our 12 day trip, I may aswell take this opportunity to introduce you to the rest of the group:
Group A
Alisa, 24 and Clint, 31 (NZ couple mentioned in previous blog)
James, Rachael, Matt and Dave (also already mentioned)
Craig, 26 (the adopted brummie) James and Monic - Aussies
Andy Hunter - from Cambridge
Andy, 30 and Helen, 27 - couple from London (ate at Goodness Gracious at Glasto)

Group B (our group)
Ben, 25 and Laura, 27 - couple from Birmingham (also ate at GG)
Ellie, 27 - from Manchester
Craig, 33 and John, 31 - couple from Herefordshire who we shared a cabin with
Marlin and Carolin, both 20 - Swedish girls
Gru and trina - Danish girls
Emma, 22 - Norwegian

Despite (for administration purposes) being split into 2 groups, for the majority or the journey we treated ourselves as one big group; like a family; one big family. Member's roles became apparent before we had even left the station. John and Ellie being the most organised and keeping everyone uptodate with the times of station stops and the duration at each one. Even though noone in the whole group was 100% sure of the actual itinerary.

And actually, before I get stuck in, I'll just point out that it isn't actually that easy to come by bottles of vodka to purchase in Moscow!

But anyway. Getting to the train station from the hostel, oh my days; perspiration is not the word. Battling the underground with massive coats and bags is most definitely not what you will find under 'fun' in the dictionary; but hey ho we arrived eventually to our train. Horray! The first part of the journey, which would also be the longest amount of time we spent on the train in one go, lasted from the Tuesday lunch time till 04:30 am Saturday morning, so 4 nights in total sleeping on the train. I won't bore you with details of every minute of every day cause you'd stop reading right about now. Basically you spend a lot of time chatting to each other, drinking and playing cards and eating. The train smells, and is pretty warm. For this part we were in open cabins of 6, so 4 of us tour group and 2 randoms.

Some highlights from time spent on the train:
Craig was absolutely hilarious. Him and John had phrase books for Russia and China so everytime we had 2 new people he would dazzle them testing out his linguistic skills, mainly reading from the 'sex' page; informing them i 'needed' a pregnancy test, that John was his wife etc. So after the 4 days i knew 4 russian words: Grandma, AIDS, Thank you and yes.
Two Russian boys the same age as us kept coming and asking Micki and I to play cards. I learnt a lesson: I'm pretty shit at cheat! (Guess I'm too nice to lie) Sacha could speak some English, Dima spoke very little but he was cute bless him. At one point we were sitting playing cards with five Russian men. But when they asked if we could play for wishes (I.E play cheat and if we lost we had to do a striptease) we thought it was probably time to stop. Or we needed to 'eat' or something...
Sightseeing out the window (after all that's basically what we paid for) meant that sometimes it was a dash to the camera to get the snap in time. On one occasion this meant being oblivious to a sleeping Chinese woman opposite and rushing over and sitting on her head with my knee over her body. The fact it was warm didnt occur to me, it was only when we (John Micki and I) heard groans from beneath. I apologised profusely and she didn't seem to mind. (Even though she was completely covered so not totally my fault I didn't see her...)

Irkutsk
So we arrived at 04:30, all desperate for a shower and something other than pot noodles/mash and biscuits to eat. Kostya (our honcho) met us from the train. Forget the balding 40year old waiter in Moscow, I knew from that moment he had to be my Russian husband. I asked him if it (his name) was pronounced like coffee, he laughed, but we all went with it. So you can pronounce it like that as you're reading :-) Craig told the honchos on the bus that i had nipple tassles. We'd known them for ten minutes; thanks Craig!

We drove to Lake Baikal which is fucking immense. It looks more like the sea! Tis beautiful. We stayed in chalets just up the road which were cute. Matt, Micki and I shared one but had to have one a little further away and not as new. It was like practice for when we all move in together ha. The word we used to describe it was authentic. So we had something to eat, and went for a 5k walk along the Lake. Most of the group went into some random museum but us4 Brummies and Aussie Craig went up the mountain on the chair lifts with Lena, the other honcho. We welcomed Craig with open arms and from that moment on he was the adopted Brummie; we all did moonies at the top of the mountain. The views were amazing.

Later on we all went into the Sauna. Kostya told us about it; what rooms to go in at what times etc. It was so funny, eventually you have to have these sticks with leaves on and whip each other with them in the sauna. Then you go into the next room and have naked cold showers while everyone's sitting there. I gave Micki a spank or two but the heat was unbearable. The sauna door was like the gate of hell. The view in the other room was much more enjoyable. Haha.

Dinner was a proper laugh. Sambuca and vodka and not much to eat proved for a good night. AB (Adopted Brummie) Craig and I clearly the most intoxicated. Alisa and Matt made up songs on the guitar/singing which was just hilarious. "side boob" Re showering in the sauna. I told Kostya I needed to find a Russian husband (to satisfy my friends requests at home) and he happily agreed. He didn't have anything to give me so he said we would seal the union with a shot of vodka. That's my guy!

Lesson 8: Don't go on a rocky boat and then attempt to eat raw fish after 3 hours sleep, very little for breakfast and a hangover.

Sunday consisted of sightseeing round Irkutsk and getting back on the train. It appears 'fast food' in Russia isn't actually that fast. Most of us were waiting 20 minutes for our cold food. But we saw the funny side.

So now I'm going to tell you about my Russian husband because he's a GOD. Oh, ermm I mean because he deserves a special mention of his own. (Especially compared to our Moscow honcho who was a bag of shit)
He carried Mine and Micki's 20+ kg bags on his shoulders up and down all the stairs in the busy train st on arrival and departure (It was a long way) and to our Chalet. Presumably able to as a result of his year's service in the Army.
He went and got the other honcho to come and get my shampoo and conditioner from our far away chalet so that i could wash my hair and not have to trek back in the cold all sweaty and gross. I hadn't even asked him to.
Body = Fit as. Yes ladies, he beared all in the sauna. For all you Twilight fans out there reading, almost on a par with Jacob. Read it and weep. Hommona hommona.
When he saw us after the boat he knew I hadn't eaten much so he took us to another place where we could get some different food even though we were pushed for time.
And he moved me so i could go to sleep on him on the coach on the way back to the st cause he knew i was really tired. Bless

Mongolia
Enough of the gushy stuff. So next stop after a day on the train and a painfully long border crossing (8 hours in total sat doing bugger all and most people desperate to drop the kids off) was Mongolia. This time we were in 2nd calss so only 4 of us to a private cabin and nice clean toilets. We drove to the countryside where we were staying in ger camps (pronounced with the same g as gargle). The scenery was mental; just mountains and sky for as far as you can see. Absolutely lovely. Reminded me of the Grand Canyon; even though I've never been. We went horse riding which I've never done before and it was fucking brilliant. On the way back Craig, Micki and I made our horses go really fast so we were really far infront of the group and then galloped all the way back. My horse was the don. Next day we went into the city and walked around, had three near death experiences in the space of two minutues cause our honcho was shit and didn't bother watching us across the traffic, or in fact most of the day thinking about it! He didn't even turn up to take us to the train station the next morning lazy sod. Luckily our lovely driver took care of us. It was clear from this I had found my Mongolian husband (sugar daddy) We watched a Mongolian cultural show which was actually interesting, and I'm not just saying that because I think i have to. The all you can eat place was so cool, except for the little nob who sprinkled chili sauce on my stir fry mix and made it inedible. Bastard.Oh and Jesus, Joseph and Mary! Thewhat we though was a hostel, turned out to be a swanky hotel. Micki and I ended up with a room with two double beds, two leather sofas and an en suite. Oh and bad boys 2 on the TV to watch as we got ready. Mental!

Seeing as though not many people know much about Mongolia and would probably never dream of going there, here are a few facts:
The capital is Ulaanbaatar
(According to the Mongolian museum) We all derived from Mongolia (I use the term 'fact' loosely here)
Population is roughly 2,7 million.
That's about all i can remember... but the countryside is lush.

It was time for the train once more, yet another border crossing! And then we arrived in Beijing. It was 20 degrees! No need for a coat for the first time in 17 days!!! Woohoo!! We all said our goodbyes and made our way to the hostel.

A bit of advice:
Anyone considering doing one of these tours should definitely do it. It was absolutely hilarious the whole time and good fun. What i would say though is that if you're paying for a cheaper tour, don't expect to be staying in 5* accommodation. It does smell; you will smell. Get used to not being able to wash your hair for a few days (dry shampoo is the one) If you don't eat pot noodles, pot mash, biscuits and crisps you'll be pretty much fucked. That, or just majorly ravenous the whole time. So i guess that would be a good weightloss programme?! If there's any way of checking to see how many people are booked on the tours I'd check. Our big group was brilliant but we met a few people doing longer journeys with only 3 in their groups. Personally, I'd be bored to tears. A good variety of people/nationalities/personalities is a must.

I've left a fair bit out just to make it fair on any of you who've taken the time out of your busy working lives to keep up with us. Hope you got the jist though...

To Summarise:
Best night of the tour: Night at Lake Baikal
Favourite activity: Horse riding in Mongolia

Next stop: China....

Lesson 4: Don't go and see the Moscow circus if you have major objections to animal cruelty.

I've always known the Russians were famous for their nimbleness; ballet, ice skating, gymnastics etc. You only have to watch the Olympics to see it, but I'd never put two and two together and arrived at circus. So anyway, we heard the Moscow circus was right around the corner from our hostel and thought we'd check it out especially as Iwas a circus virgin. As soon as you walked in there were tigers and leopards sat on cushioned boxes for you to have photos with, a bear sat on a chair for the same reason and then your usual stands selling plastic crap where it looks like the staff have dared each other to see who can wear the most shit off their stalls. Some of them looked ridiculous, that or clinically insane. So anyway, the actual show; it was interesting. Some of the acts were pretty fucking hilarious. Miniature poodles doing the wheelbarrow with each other i can safely say I'd never seen before. Then there were your usuals, the bendy girl (which after a while was fairly difficult to work out which body part was which), the hula hoop girl (no idea what the 'proper' name is), the clowns (one looked like George Sampson) the people who played with the tigers, panthers and leopards (who are most definitely experts at being able to drag the fuck out a performance and then appeared to get carried away with some sort of exotic seedy dance) and the strong man who looked like a descendant of Ghengis Khan's with a brown leather skirt and UGG boots on. Sexual. But overall, enjoyable.

On Friday night we'd met 6 other people in our train tour group. and THANK FUCK they're safe as houses. A group of 4 from the UK: James and Rachael (the couple), Matt (the 'actor'/musician he's in Angus, thongs and full frontal snogging HAHA but is touring with Ellie Goulding straight after this) Dave (The law graduate come kung fu expert come aspiring knight who looks like Jamie Knight (For any of you fellow HG bods)) and a kiwi couple: Alisa and Clint (our cool auntie and uncle) who all also happened to be sleeping in our room; result.

For those of you who have never stayed in a hostel it's basically like a massive sleep over with a bunch of random people you've never met before. Then, depending on how long you're all staying you start to get to know them (unless they're cocks in which case avoid conversing at all costs). Its a good craic, but the room does get pretty fucking hot.

First day of proper sightseeing 02/10/10:
So off we went in our newly formed possy to see the sights. The underground, here called the Metro, is pretty damn impressive. Some of the escalators go on for what seems like hours. St Basil's cathedral IS a gigantic sweet shop. Fact. (We didn't venture inside although had we have done I think it may have spoilt my own little interpretation of the building. I almost wanted to gnaw at the walls like the house in Hansel and Gretel, but I didn't.) We walked around Red Square and looked like chronic tourists with our maps trying to work out where fuck anything was. We went in a couple more Cathedrals but no idea what the names or history behind them was. It's pretty much a case of when you've seen one or two, you've seen them all.

Second day of proper sightseeing 03/04/10:
We all decided to get up early and hoped we sort of had the hang of using the metro. Micki and I were pretty happy letting James and Dave and Matt map read, despite Dave's apparent colour blindness. We went to see Lenin's body which lasted all of about 30 seconds as you walked round it. Stopping, taking pictures, getting a proper look which justified the half an hour wait is apparently out of the question as you get prodded with sticks by the guards to keep moving when inside. Then we went for a coffee in the shopping mall/thing across the square from where Lenin is (seemingly ironic to have such a building so close to such an iconic figure in the world of Communism?! but anyway..) The woman who served us collected our bill and thrust it back on the table demanding a service charge. That was perculiar considering the only thing in English on the receipt was 'Gratitude at your discretion' so we just upt and left. She was scary. Dave was handed a stick with perfume sprayed on which he informed us he was going to tickle some cheeky cheeky communists with. The next few hours we spent wandering the streets of Moscow taking photos...as you do; as i always do. Pretty sure we walked down every street in Moscow.

Third day of sightseeing 04/10/10:
Micki and I decided we'd go and visit the Kremlin. From what we can work out, it's their equivalent to our Houses of Parliament (ish) We're probably wrong, but it's good enough for us. We've also met the rest of our tour. There appears to be about 22 of us! Nice one. Another english couple from Birmingham (waheyyy get in) an Ozzie, a woman from Manchester, a bloke from Cambridge and another english couple but dunno where they're from and some other people. Red square by night is beautiful.

You probably won't be surprised to read there are quite a few things left out. You either wouldn't understand or wouldn't find it funny. One of those 'you had to be there' things, but you can all be safe in the knowledge we're having a wicked time and the train is sure to be absolutely brilliant if not a bit mingin' hygiene wise. Will leave you with a few more lessons...

Lesson 5: If you ever go to the food shop around the corner from this hostel, or infact most places in Moscow, try and pay with the smallest note you have. (Their favourite past time appears to be snarling and thrusting your big notes back at you in disgust, and following you around the shop watching to check you're not stealing being as unsubtle as possible)

Lesson 6: Accept that the majority of Russians in Moscow do not like you/English.(Hostile is DEFINITELY the word i would use to describe their attitude/behaviour towards us. Don't lose sleep over it, it's just the way is it. Oh, apart from maybe the odd random; see Micki's blog for details http://michaelab.travellerspoint.com/ re: Turkish waiter)

Lesson 7: Don't ask for a cup of tea in a Russian costa; not unless you want tea flavoured warm milk. (at least my cappucino was O.K)

P.S The Germans staying here are really fucking annoying. So too is the little mexican man that insists on walking around the whole place half naked. VOM

....From Russia with love....